A man’s wife has been driving two hours round trip every other day to provide medical care for her aunt, who has terminal cancer and is on hospice. While she’s gone, he’s working full time from home while caring for their 3-year-old and 8-month-old.
Then, while helping sort paperwork, he discovered the aunt has $160,000 in a 401(k). When he suggested using some of it to hire a full-time aide, her sons shot down the idea.
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Hospice Care at Home
The aunt is bedridden and receiving hospice care at home. Her two sons and the man’s mother-in-law take turns staying with her.
A hospice nurse visits for about an hour or two each day through insurance and state assistance. That covers some medical needs, but not everything.
At first, the family believed she had only a week or two left. More recently, her condition improved, and now nobody knows how long this will continue.
His Wife, the Only Nurse in the Family
His wife is the only nurse in the family. That makes her the person everyone turns to for the heavier medical care the hospice nurse doesn’t have time to provide.
Her sons help with basic needs like food and water. The more involved medical tasks fall to his wife.
She no longer feels happy about helping, but she feels obligated. Her mother needs a second set of skilled hands, and nobody else can do it.
Two Hours of Driving Every Other Day
Every other day, his wife drives an hour each way to her aunt’s house. Once there, she spends about six hours providing care.
That’s a long day by itself. Add the drive, and it takes up most of her time and energy.
Those trips also cost money. Gas, wear on the car, and long days away from home all add up, especially when the commitment has no clear end date.
Home Alone With Two Little Kids
Before this started, his wife worked one or two days a week and cared for their baby while doing so. Their 3-year-old goes to daycare.
Now, while she’s gone, he’s working full time from home while also watching their 8-month-old. Balancing a job and a baby at the same time has been exhausting.
They can’t bring the baby to the aunt’s house. The home isn’t clean, and one of the sons has a large dog, so they don’t feel it’s safe.
$160,000 in a 401(k)
The family had assumed the aunt had almost no money. She had maxed-out credit cards, an empty bank account, no car, and no obvious assets.
While helping his mother-in-law, who serves as the aunt’s power of attorney, he found paperwork showing about $160,000 in a 401(k). It was money no one had realized was there.
That changed the conversation. Suddenly, there might be a way to ease some of the pressure on the family.
Paying for an In-Home Aide
He suggested using part of the 401(k) to hire a full-time in-home aide. That could reduce how often his wife needs to make the trip.
In-home aides often cost around $25 to $35 an hour, depending on the area. Full-time care could run several thousand dollars a week, but the money in the account could help cover it.
Withdrawals from retirement accounts can come with taxes, so the full balance wouldn’t be available to spend. Still, there would likely be enough to make a real difference.
Sons Who Said No
The aunt’s two sons rejected the idea. That left the current arrangement in place.
To him, it feels like they may be trying to protect whatever inheritance remains after she passes. He believes her own money should be used to care for her now.
The aunt is currently confused and unable to make decisions for herself. That leaves the family to decide what’s best on her behalf.
Gas, Childcare, and No Clear End
He knows he and his wife won’t be reimbursed for gas or the added strain on their household. If this continues, they may also need to pay for additional childcare for their baby.
Daycare for an infant can easily cost hundreds of dollars a week. That would add another major expense to an already stressful situation.
He’s now wondering whether suggesting the aunt use her own money for care made him unreasonable. With his wife exhausted, his household stretched thin, and no clear end in sight, he’s left trying to figure out how long they can keep going before something has to change.
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