We’ve all seen a friend or family member suffer a broken heart – or sometimes worse – in a relationship. But wouldn’t it be nice if we were able to recognize red flags sooner and save ourselves and our loved ones from the pain?
On a popular online forum, someone recently asked an interesting question, “Men, what are some less obvious red flags about men you would want to caution women against?” The internet responded by delivering this authentic list of red flags men need women to know.
1. Always Shifting Blame
“If anything happens to him and he always shifts blame to someone else, or something else, or the situation, that is a big red flag,” someone shared. “Sooner or later, everything will be your fault. Also, if their story, complaint, rant, or explanation sounds too one-sided (again, unable to take the blame themselves), they lack empathy – a red flag.”
2. Not Respecting the Word ‘No’ in Benign Situations
Someone stated, “When they don’t respect the word no, even in the most benign circumstances.” Another agreed, “Not respecting the word no in the smallest of things that won’t be an inconvenience to respect it hints that they probably won’t respect it when it is most important.”
One user shared her experience, “I stopped seeing a guy over this. Simple things like ‘Don’t touch my hair turned into me having to give reasons to justify my boundaries. I said no, and there was nothing more I needed to say.”
3. If He’s Possessive and Selfish Before You’re Dating, it Won’t Change
“This one is extremely obvious, yet I’ve seen dozens of women still make the same mistake: If he’s rude, selfish, and possessive before you’re dating, he will NOT change once you start dating. I don’t know why so many women think that a man will have an epiphany and become better once they get into a relationship. People VERY RARELY change,” someone replied.
4. Doing the Bare Minimum in the Beginning
“If a guy does the minimum of what you want in a long-term relationship at the beginning, it will be well below your standards after a few years. I expect about half of what you see in the first year,” someone expressed.
“Exactly,” shared another. “A wise woman once told me the chores you do in the first year of marriage will always be yours. The same principle for all aspects of a relationship. If you value it more, you will always be saddled with the emotional work.”
5. Blaming Their Childhood for Treating You Like Rubbish
“Blaming their childhood on treating you and others like rubbish,” replied one. Another answered, “Yep, your past is not an excuse to ruin someone else’s future.”
6. Watch for the “Nice Guy”
Another person stated, “You’ll be able to tell if a guy is nice by how he behaves. So if a guy tells you he’s nice, ignore that. That’s meaningless.” “I read this somewhere: ‘A person judges themselves on their intentions, but others judge them on their actions.”
“You look at the successful people and see what they’ve done and can appreciate. But, then, you look at the ‘nice guy,’ and although in his mind his intentions are benign and all he wants to do is be devoted to someone – His actions can show that he’s pretty shallow and spiteful.”
7. Any Aversion To Taking Responsibility
“Any aversion to taking responsibility. The older I get, the more I find that the men I respect most aren’t the ones with outstanding achievements to their names but rather the ones who aren’t afraid to own their mistakes,” shared one.
8. When They Repeatedly Declare They Aren’t Something or Way, They Are
“When someone declares multiple times they are not a certain way without prompt, they are that way,” one man informed. Another added, “Also – if they’re claiming unprompted that they are a certain way, they probably aren’t that way. For example, “I am an empath’ but then proceeds to suck all the air out of the room by talking incessantly about themselves.”
9. Don’t Trust a Man Who Jokes but Can’t Take One
“Don’t trust a man who can joke about others but can’t take it,” one user said before editing, “I know this can apply to women. The thing is, I shouldn’t need a disclaimer to gain permission to critique men, and some of you shouldn’t need to drag women down just to acknowledge a personality flaw.”
10. The ‘Change Him’ Voice
“If you hear a little voice inside you that says, ‘I can change this man,’ he is not the man for you,” one user expressed. Another added, “This goes for both genders, but don’t date someone under the assumption that they’ll change something fundamental about themselves. Not fair to either of you.”
My mom taught us, “Don’t worry if a guy dresses like a dork. That is one thing you can change, but make sure he’s good on the inside. You can’t change that,” one user shared. Of course, several men agreed that their wives and girlfriends dress them.
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Elizabeth Ervin is the owner of Sober Healing, a website that provides information about addiction, recovery, mental wellness, spirituality, and resources to help people succeed in rebuilding their lives. Elizabeth has education and experience with addiction, healing, and spiritual studies. She is passionate about learning, teaching, and loving her neighbor.