When friends confide in us, in most cases, we want to support them. But sometimes, our attempts to help don’t land how we intend and are seen as overstepping.
One woman asks the internet if she’s the a**hole for calling her friend’s husband cruel.
The OP (original poster) explains how they have a friend who, due to an accident around two years ago, relies on a wheelchair. While OP’s friend can stand for short periods of time and is pretty self-sufficient, she still needs the wheelchair. “Especially when she wants to leave the house,” OP says.
The issue is that where OP and the friend lives is an old town up in the mountains that OP says “wasn’t built with disabled people in mind.” This makes getting around difficult for their friend, especially during the winter when there is a lot of snow.
OP says that their friend often talks about wanting to move away. “She tells me a lot how she wants to move out of the mountains, but her husband doesn’t want them to because all their family and friends are here.”
OP’s husband then finds a job opportunity that lets them move to the city. Before OP and their husband move away, they share a dinner with OP’s friend and her husband and discuss the upcoming move. The OP notes how talk of moving made their friend happy. “She said that if they move there too, it will be so good that we will already be there,” OP goes on, “She told her husband that now they don’t have to worry about being alone and not knowing anyone there.”
Their friend’s desire to move is well-known by OP, and it is not a new discussion between the friend and her husband. The OP tells how their friend’s husband stops her, saying, “They already talked about this, and they need the help their families are providing them here.”
When OP’s friend responds, OP takes the opportunity to support her. She said they wouldn’t need so much help if she could move around freely in the city. I took her side.” The exchange continues, but their friend’s husband isn’t swayed. With the conversation getting nowhere productive, things become tense.
The OP explains, “I started getting frustrated and told my friend’s husband that he is cruel for forcing his wife to live in the mountains where her mobility is so limited.”
The remark upset their friend’s husband and abruptly ended the discussion. The OP says, “He got angry, told me I have no idea how hard it is for him even with all the help, and I should mind my own business.”
Nothing comes of it, but the OP is unsure if their comment went too far, saying, “He is right. I don’t know how it is for him. But I do know how it is for my friend and that she is basically a prisoner here.” So OP asks the internet, am I the a**hole for what I said?
Stay Out of it
The overall vote is YTA (you are the a**hole) regarding how OP handled things. One commenter says, “It was a couple’s discussion that you should stay out of.”
Another person shares similar thoughts, adding, “I think you were wildly inappropriate by calling him “cruel” straight off the bat without trying to better understand his position on this topic.” They continue, “this needs more of a gentle approach than bulldozing your perspective.”
Not everyone disagreed with OP, though. One user says, “OP is NTA (not the a**hole). I get that her husband doesn’t want to leave his village, but he really is being very selfish here.”
Another user remarks, “he sounds like he’s just a selfish a** who’s using the situation as an excuse.
You’re allowed to have opinions and voice them, even when they make people uncomfortable.”
Others were more on the fence, praising the support OP showed their friend but not the methods. One person chimes in, “Gentle YTA because you seem to want what’s best for your friend. But this is for her and her husband to sort out. You should probably focus on talking to her separately.”
Was OP out of line? Was their friend’s husband right to be upset? What would you have done if you were in the situation?
Inspired by this thread – photos for illustrative purposes only.